Discouraged

So this week has been a hard one. Everything i thought the Lord had been directing me towards has been crushed in one way or another.
Now don't get me wrong i know life is not peachy, but i have been stepping out on limbs trying desperately to see where the lord wants me. I have cried many tears, prayed many prayers and waited upon my Lord, finally after years some direction came...
He has thrown so many opportunity's in my lap lately and i have been terrified to take them, i mean truly shaking in my boots, i haven't wanted to put myself out there again. All my life i have never been good enough, I've just been ok at everything. High school was a nightmare because of this and now at 23 the Lord is asking me to to do it all again.
Why? To be crushed over and over, to never been quite good enough, granted I'm not pathetic at things i do, but it still is never quite good enough...
I have been battling with this all week, and the only conclusion i can come to is to do what the Lord tells me. Yes, he never said it would be easy! But i always assumed that what i would do with the rest of my life, would be somewhat decent.
He's breaking down walls, walls that i have built up to protect myself, my heart couldn't take anymore of that "you're just not quite there..."
But I've realised thats the point of it all, i will never be quite there, and even if i am always behind struggling to keep up, if thats what he's telling me to do i must do it.
After years of change and dealing with culture shock and such i thought things would get a little bit better..... they don't.
I don't mean to be so discouraging but that is what it has been for me....
Until i really sat down an thought about it, for some reason in the back of my mind i truly thought the Lord's will would be easy, well i guess not easy but encouraging. I knew it would be hard and i would have to go through great lengths for me to follow, but i never dreamed it would break my spirit.
But thats the point, for us to be removed from his will, for it to be Him through us, for our words to not come through but His and if this is the only way he can do it, so be it!

Trains

Taking the Blue Line train in Chicago is a journey. In rush hour it’s a true adventure. Stepping off the bus at Chicago and Milwaukee, I was immediately affronted with tons of people going in every direction. Every direction, but the direction I was going. I had to have my wits about me and know exactly where I was going; otherwise I would’ve been trampled by the herd behind me. In this place there is no such thing as a lackadaisical Sunday afternoon stroll, everyone is at a sprint.

People around act like insects, scurrying in multitudes of directions with seemingly no purpose. Of course, we all had a purpose; we were all going in the same direction. People were trying to get around the slow ones in any way they could, if it came to climbing over someone we probably would have done it. 1.7 million people take the CTA each day, it felt like all 1.7 million were taking my train! For a short moment there was chaos but eventually everything turned into water sliding through a funnel. The funnel fills to the top and nothing moves, then all of a sudden everything falls down that little hole in one swift, smooth, silky, motion, and that little hole, was the stairs.

Running down the stairs is an entertaining experience and almost impossible one. The stairs are always wet with some liquid substance, which I hoped was just water. Water turning to ice is also inevitable in the colder months. Having, 1.7 million people dashing down the stairs, like the place is on fire, is quite a sight to see. I had to keep moving at all times or I would have been run over by the herd of buffalo loping behind me. All these people going in unusual directions dealing with slick or icy steps still managed to get to the place they are going. I think it is a magnificent feat that no one trips, or even slightly skids as you are making this decent. Making my mad-dash down I heard a whooshing sound that indicated the train had arrived, the already fast pace accelerated. It’s almost as if everyone spouted wings and began to fly.

The beeping sound of everyone’s card going through the slots signaled my next quest. In the tiny space of about a minute and 30 seconds, I had jumped out the bus, run into at least three people, glided my way but not fallen down the stairs, fumbled in my purse for my Upass (university train pass), had it ready so that no one was stuck waiting behind me and made sure I didn’t drop it in the liquid on the floor. There was this fear inside me that if I placed my Upass in the wrong way it would have been swallowed up like a python swallows its victim whole; I would never see it again. If, however, I did everything right then I was safe to face the next part of my expedition.

The card was placed in the correct-facing direction and the light turned green.

The moving metallic bar allowed me to move to the next realm of the station. One more set of steps, not slippery this time. The tunnels were finally reached and as my feet hit the smooth ground, a train whizzed by. The train was going the opposite direction, to Forest Park. There was a quick realization that the rushing was for nothing. CTA trains make about 2,391 trips each day and serve 144 stations, it appeared that this, 1,984^th train was not our train and the tedious wait must now begin. Like vultures that swoop in, in hoards, to savor something only to realize it’s still alive, we had to find something else to prey on.

There was a moment for me to catch my breath; I usually walked down a little ways so I could catch a cart that not everyone else was waiting for. As I took leisurely, deliberate steps to my target, I inhaled; the smell of aged air assailed my senses, like a boxer would strike his opponent. I wheezed slightly, but only slightly so that no one would see my reaction to the odor. It seemed that down in the tunnels I was at my most vulnerable and I felt like everyone was scrutinizing me, observing me like a child examines bugs through a magnifying glass.

Everything was dim and dingy. Paint was flaking off from every wall, but gazing closer I realized it wasn’t paint just filth. There were some blocks painted blue indicating that I was in the right spot, I was in the blue line station. To which I was thankful for as the very rare signs around were indecipherable.

A decrepit old lady sat in the corner rocking herself to sleep. There was a young couple sitting and whispering, giggling like they had a special secret. There was the wandering musician, playing for himself but hoping everyone else appreciated and donated to his cause. In amongst this there were your ‘everyday’ travels. The young business man going to the apartment he rents alone, the weary old man who looked like he is going to his second job after he’s already worked 12 hours, the druggy asking for spare change everywhere she turns to feed her indulgence, the children with backpacks with their nanny making the trek home and the college football fans singing some bizarre jingle as they headed to their game.

Somehow, with all these people there was a strange kind of stillness; it’s as if we all gradually realized that we weren’t in our own worlds and were all of a sudden surrounded by others. We were all seeking the same watering hole, but pretending we weren’t. This quiet made everyone uncomfortable and nervous. Everyone’s eyes were downcast, heaven forbid we looked at anyone.

Most people stood close to the tracks, as if standing closer would make the train come sooner. Everyone would peer out to see if anything was coming even though we all knew when the train had arrived. The head- lights of the train are always so violently bright you can see them from miles away. So, everyone waited, gazing down at the tracks. An odd rat would run by, obviously about to face its death, liquid also runs down there, nobody knew where it came from but it was there none-the-less.

The stillness was abruptly broken; I heard the sounds of the train edging closer towards me. Looking down the railway those bright lights were coming towards us, at an alarming speed. My hair was propelled every which way it could possible go, even my arm hairs stood on end. No one moved at this time, the train zoomed by and came to a rapid halt. Everyone paused for just a couple of seconds, as if in a quandary about which cart to board, then swiftly that mad-dash appeared again. The doors opened and I had less than 30 seconds to make it through. Everyone rushed forward, like thousands of ants all trying to get in the same tiny hole at the same time. There was pushing and shoving to made sure that we would board that very train. No one wanted to be left behind, all alone, for the next train. As much as we ignored one other, we still felt reassurance in numbers.

Astoundingly we all made it. We were like a bunch of cotton balls stuffed in a jar, but we all made it.

There was that moment again where I could breathe. Even thought my body was smashed up against at least 5 other people in the train, I could breathe. That stillness was there again, the one where everyone looked down was in their own worlds. No need to rush anymore, besides the constant movement when people would get on and off the train, we did not need to budge. There was a sense of relief, an almost audible sigh of everyone in the cart was apparent. We would make it to our final destination. What should have been a simple daily traveling event was indeed an expedition.

A day to remember

A month ago i got married.

Boy has it been a turmoil of events, laughing, crying... sometimes yelling i'll admit. I definitely became a person i did not know... It was strange it seems the days before your wedding you really are floating on a cloud, you don't know whether you are happy, sad, crazy or just sleep deprived.

Its amazing how much planning goes into one event, absolutely insane i would say! You plan, plan, and plan and in the end does it really matter. Well it does in some ways because you want your day to scream you, and yet thats not what it is about.

I guess Weddings, Christmas and Easter have all become this way. These times that the Lord created for us to celebrate, to celebrate our union as two people becoming one, to celebrate His birth, to celebrate his death and resurrection. Yet somewhere along the line we hallmarked it, it became just about us and not about the Lord. We have lost the essence of it all. I have always known this when it came to Christmas but my wedding, i never really thought about it.

The white dress, my purity not just sexually but pure in the Lord, my pure relationship with Him! walking towards my husband with my father and significant of so much more than just walking down the aisle.

All this to say, i am thankful i had my head screwed on enough to just enjoy my day, but to look back and be reminded of the significance of it all.

I have been wishing that i could have my day again, just so i can re-live it! Not because anything was wrong with it, it was absolutely perfect, but just because i was so exhausted i feel like i missed alot of it.

However what does that matter, the Lord brought us together and under Him we are one, who cares what the flowers looked like or if it rained or not... or anything like that. It is that we were married under God! Everyone told me, just enjoy your day it goes by so fast... but thats just it it never was "my" day it was the Lords day. God brought us together and it will be forever that way... it was all about Him not us... and that is something to remember

Movin again

Tomorrow i pack up my life with my new husband Adam-Leigh and we move to Chicago. It seems odd as i have already been there for a year already, but i finally feel like i am where i'm supposed to be...

Here let me explain a little more.

Adam and i were engaged a year ago and promptly after that i was shipped to Chicago to go to Bible college. I absolutely loved my experience there and learnt so much. However although both Adam and i knew we were where we needed to be i still often felt alone.

In my head i knew my Savior was enough for me, that he would be my all, my comfort and my strength and He was. Yet every night when i went to bed i couldn't help feeling alone... every time i packed to go somewhere i did it alone...

Moving was never fun, until now...

Tomorrow i get to move into a home that will be my home, our home, a place of joy and laughter and place of comfort a tears.. a place that we get to center around and come back to after trips.

I always knew that my Lord was enough, and i knew that i never was truly alone, but i am excited that i get to share my life with the man i love.

Although God is enough, i am thankful that He gave me Adam, that we will live life together.

I feel now like i can truly accomplish what i am supposed to accomplish with my love by my side.

I used to think this was wrong, that another person doesn't complete you, that i am an independent woman of God who needs no-one. And that is true in a sense, but i have realised that now more than ever i can be that woman i am supposed to be, that this was the Lord's plan all along.

Now i get to move again and not do it alone... the best moving time ever!

trapped

So once again i find myself looking into the future and change is on the horizon. The change is good change, but yet in my life another huge adjustment to go through.
What i am really talking about is that in-between stage. That stage where you know change is coming but you have great commitment in the present time, you obviously can't live in the future.
I feel trapped, like i cannot focus on the here an now, i cannot give my all to what i am doing. Yet i also cannot look to the future or i'll be walking around in a daze.
So what does one do? obviously we must look to the Lord for strength but how do we live when we feel trapped. We know any day now we will be released yet in this moment, we are in the prision cell...

heavenly beings.

In my basic theology course the other day, we learnt about Angels and Demons....
Now i am not going to go into the theology of it all, mainly because i will bore myself with it, and maybe you as well... However there was one point that hit me and hit me hard.
Angels have no idea what it is like to be saved, to be created to fall, but also to be created so God could redeem...
God created us humans, so he could save us, no other creature he has made will ever feel that.
Wow i don't know if that blows you away but it did me. Not only does our God love us, but he designed us just so he could love us, with a love that is unintelligible, undeniable and incredible!
Angels may be heavingly beings and may be in communion with God, but we are saved by him, we get to call Him father, us underserving little earthlings get to live in heaven one day!
I cannot wrap my mind around that today!

shipwrecked

Acts 27: 21-22 “… Paul stood up before them and said: “Men, you should have taken my advice not to sail from Crete; then you would have spared yourselves this damage and loss. But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed.”
This passage really stood out to me while I was reading the stories and history in Acts. Paul had warned these men not to sail a certain way, but they still went ahead and did it anyway. It reminds me of how we are with our Lord, He warns us and tells us not to go a certain way but we do it anyway. We think that if we are reaching the final goal he wants for us, and then is does not matter how we get there. We think that taking short cuts or ignoring the present to get to the future goals is ok. It is not, we will be shipwrecked and we will fail. I was so encouraged by these verses, because often I want to take short cuts, or miss the lesson I am supposed to learn. I do it all the time and then find myself in a huge mess. I could have saved myself much “damage and loss” but selfishly I want to do things my own way. However the Lord is merciful there are consequences our ship may be destroyed, all that we have built on and relied on may be annihilated however we are spared. He still takes us to our final destination, but we get there in through a much more painful process, than if we had just listened in the first place.

close and yet so far

So lately I've been thinking of my innate tendency towards sin. We as Christians have a glimpse of what its like to be holy. We have a small inkling of what its like to look into the very face of God... why because He exists within us. Yet this very glimpse of God, is sometimes our downfall..
We seem to think we are immune to sin, that "...something like that could never happen to me.." We ignore our conscience at times because we think we are better than others. We think we can withstand, withhold, that somehow having Christ in our lives makes us immune, some kind of super hero... and that has been my downfall, that has been my weakness.
Oh i know that i sin, thats the funny thing, but i still pretend that i don't, i still look down on those that have made "big mistakes".
Yet more and more each day i am realising, that i am so much closer to Satan than i am to God. Everything about me screams "unholy" i am truly i disgrace to creation, the only thing, ONLY THING that keeps me from being a little devil is God's grace. This seems so self-explanatory especially to someone who grew up in the church, but that is the problem i grew up in the church. So somehow i'm closer to God right? not at all, i push Him farther away because i think i'm closer to Him than i am.
To those who read this, maybe that doesn't make sense, but finally i have some clarity in my life, i am capable of anything, absolutely anything, i can feel Satan poking me at all times of the day... I am depraved, one hundred percent depraved.
Thankgoodness i have the Lord, He makes me even slightly acceptable to exist on the planet, without Him i am truly nothing and am so prone to sin its scary.
The closer i get to God, the further away i realise i am!

temp. change

Something about Chicago one learns very quickly is that the weather changes at an extreme pace...
Now for those of you who have lived in Africa that wouldn't make sense at all...
I have also spent much time in California where the weather can change with variations of at least 15 degrees in one day...
However there is nothing like Chicago. One day it is 15 degrees with a wind chill of 5 and snowing buckets. The next its 40 degrees and the sun is shining down splendidly...
this morning it was about 50 degrees not bad at all, cloudy but warm.. then in a heart beat it changes to about 35 degrees and in half an hour or so will be pouring buckets!
If Chicago has taught me anything it has taught me to shop well:)... now yes i know what you're thinking, i didn't say shop alot i said shop well.... You must get the right clothing for the right weather... if you do not you will surely freeze to death or in the humidity die of a heat wave....
Obviously to me the biblical parallel is so clear.
At this time in my life i have had much change... much like the weather one day i have felt hot the next terribly cold. I haven't known how to adapt how to "dress" so to speak. I have been wearing coats in the summer and shorts in the winter.
Slowly i am learning how to adapt. How to brace myself for those freezing, to bundle up, much like putting on the armour of Christ and just jumping into the cold. Or relaxing in a tank top and just enjoying the summer breeze.
I have leanrt that one cannot expect everyday to be sunshine, but how do you live like its still sunshine!
You embrace it, you thrive in it, you find a winter sport you love :)...
not really but you allow the cold times to grow you and then soon enough you will be in the warmth again.

Saturate

to saturate, to penetrate, to infiltrate, to permeate...
All words i have learned to hate, why? because they are all fancy terms of entering into.
I have found my life to be full of new ways of infiltrating, new friends, new cultures, new environments, all of which mean one big thing change.
Why is it we hate change? It makes us uncomfortable, confused, alone, scared. Yet now i have found myself going back to the old.
I have resumed something that once was and that has been harder than the new. I have changed and become a different person, and i am still expected to be the old me. I have grown in leaps and bounds and am now taking steps backwards. We are who we once were and yet we are not.
So who are we, the old or the new? A combination of both, yet how can we be both... We no longer rely on ourselves for self worth, we lean on something bigger than ourselves. Someone bigger than ourselves.
In an ever changing world we look to the maker of the world, the one who has seen the changes past and the changes future. Without his strong hand guiding our backs how can we not be lost in this big wide world?
We let Him saturate our every pore, we no longer infiltrate the world, but let Him infiltrate our lives.

L'amour

To be "inlove" is an interesting title. It seems i am at that age where everywhere i turn i see people holding hands, hugging, showing their engagement rings...
This bugs me i am not sure why as i am completely and utterly smitten myself. Really when i ponder it i realise that it is the glossy eyes and the kisses that irks me.
It is so much more than that, to decide to live your life with and for another. To give up everything you want for yourself and place them first.
To simply love is impossible, it is not a simple task and never shall be.
However i cannot imagine a more exciting complex life without the man that i love.
I couldn't be more thrilled than to share my life with the one man you shares my dreams, my vision and my heart!
To the complex brilliance of living a life of love with ultimately our Savior and upon that to be blessed with a small inkling of that love in flesh form.
I am so blessed to be marrying the man of my dreams, Adam in July 2009!