Drowning Daffodils

Spring has decided to hold out on me this year. It is as if I am playing hide-and-go-seek with Spring. It has been hiding and I have been seeking. I find myself quite mad at Spring, it likes to play these games. Once in awhile it will come out of its hiding place, giggle at me, and then go back into hiding. This hiding has been particularly cruel it is as if I am a five year old and Spring is ten. It has the best hiding spots, and I simply cannot seem to find it. It has toyed with me by sending some clues here and there, little Daffodils that have come with their smiling yellow faces to great me. I have smiled back and have found myself thinking I must be close to finding Spring. I follow the path of Daffodils knowing I must be close. But then spring sends more tricks, it sends torrents of rain. My little Daffodils hold out, trying to help me find Spring. April is upon me, another clue. but then Spring hides behind winter and sends the worst kind of joke, snow. My heart drops, as the Daffodils can no longer stand the games. They too stop look for spring, they close their dying yellow petals and hide from the weather. All I can think of is, il fait mauvais, it is simply terrible outside. While I know Spring is just around the corner, I have become to weary of looking. I must simply pull on my wool coat and refuse to plays games with it. When it is ready it will come, it will find me, I will not find it.

Flown high from the castle of my heart.

In the three years I have been at Moody my flag, the Zimbabean flag, has flown three times. Each time I have found myself spiraling down the deep, dark tunnel of missing.

My heart, I can only describe, feels suspended from my body. It does not belong to this land I now call home. I lives apart from me. Yet, I have to get it back. So daily I pull on it's strings begging it to belong to me and this land. Many-a-time it obeys. It allows me to forget and love where I am. But then suddenly, on its own accord it will disapear on me. I search for it, I look high and low. It has gone to a place i cannot go to. One i have longed to return to but never have. One that is ingrained in my memories, and past. Is it part of my future? I do not know. My heart tells me it is, that it belongs to me as I belong to it. But my life must be lived in seperation from it.

The flag is flying today. As it waves back and forth in the spring air. I allow my heart to leap 5 years into the past. I revell in past events and moments. My eyes drip here and there and I remember.

I must keep moving though, i cannot stand and stare at the flag forever. There is a life to be lived here and now. I can only hope that my heart allows me to live in two worlds; that it is gracious to me and helps me to give to both then and now. But for today, it is not so gracious i stare into my past and long for a taste of days gone by.