So this week has been a hard one. Everything i thought the Lord had been directing me towards has been crushed in one way or another.
Now don't get me wrong i know life is not peachy, but i have been stepping out on limbs trying desperately to see where the lord wants me. I have cried many tears, prayed many prayers and waited upon my Lord, finally after years some direction came...
He has thrown so many opportunity's in my lap lately and i have been terrified to take them, i mean truly shaking in my boots, i haven't wanted to put myself out there again. All my life i have never been good enough, I've just been ok at everything. High school was a nightmare because of this and now at 23 the Lord is asking me to to do it all again.
Why? To be crushed over and over, to never been quite good enough, granted I'm not pathetic at things i do, but it still is never quite good enough...
I have been battling with this all week, and the only conclusion i can come to is to do what the Lord tells me. Yes, he never said it would be easy! But i always assumed that what i would do with the rest of my life, would be somewhat decent.
He's breaking down walls, walls that i have built up to protect myself, my heart couldn't take anymore of that "you're just not quite there..."
But I've realised thats the point of it all, i will never be quite there, and even if i am always behind struggling to keep up, if thats what he's telling me to do i must do it.
After years of change and dealing with culture shock and such i thought things would get a little bit better..... they don't.
I don't mean to be so discouraging but that is what it has been for me....
Until i really sat down an thought about it, for some reason in the back of my mind i truly thought the Lord's will would be easy, well i guess not easy but encouraging. I knew it would be hard and i would have to go through great lengths for me to follow, but i never dreamed it would break my spirit.
But thats the point, for us to be removed from his will, for it to be Him through us, for our words to not come through but His and if this is the only way he can do it, so be it!
