heavy heart.

My heart has been heavy lately. So heavy the normal things of life have been painful, breathing, sleeping, eating. I have done a great job of distracting my brain, with cooking (i just can't eat what i cook), cleaning, art, and t.v. My brain loves me for this constant exercise. I keep it occupied and it thanks me by not thinking about what weighs on my heart. I have become so good at this distraction tactic that i look back on my days and wonder where they went. I am distracting myself out of living. On the outside i look fine, and perhaps even feel fine inside. But my heart tells me otherwise.

I have done everything i can to please this brain that wants to punish me with it's thoughts. But in doing so i have neglected my little heart. I have realised that i actually don't know how to distract my heart, in fact it's impossible. So i ignore it. This doesn't work. I cannot make my heart be peaceful.

There is a reason for this. In my human capacity i can distract the brain, confuse it even, make it think it's happy. But my heart, well it's God's and only He can heal it. Somehow i forgot He could. I have not just ignored my heart but ignored the one who holds it in His hand.

I have never struggled so much with grasping His peace. Sometimes it takes me a day or two. This time I have to wake up each day, and remind myself minute by minute that I have His peace. A peace that passes all understanding.

This takes work, I can not trick my heart into thinking it's happy. Even if I have to do it minute by minute i will continue to grasp His peace. Why? Because it is the only thing that can distract me, that can fulfill my soul, that can make me content.

I think the human body is ingenious. It knows how to cope when the heart does not. I will keep doing the things i enjoy, but not to distract me, but rather just to enjoy them. His peace is what sustains.