Drowning Daffodils

Spring has decided to hold out on me this year. It is as if I am playing hide-and-go-seek with Spring. It has been hiding and I have been seeking. I find myself quite mad at Spring, it likes to play these games. Once in awhile it will come out of its hiding place, giggle at me, and then go back into hiding. This hiding has been particularly cruel it is as if I am a five year old and Spring is ten. It has the best hiding spots, and I simply cannot seem to find it. It has toyed with me by sending some clues here and there, little Daffodils that have come with their smiling yellow faces to great me. I have smiled back and have found myself thinking I must be close to finding Spring. I follow the path of Daffodils knowing I must be close. But then spring sends more tricks, it sends torrents of rain. My little Daffodils hold out, trying to help me find Spring. April is upon me, another clue. but then Spring hides behind winter and sends the worst kind of joke, snow. My heart drops, as the Daffodils can no longer stand the games. They too stop look for spring, they close their dying yellow petals and hide from the weather. All I can think of is, il fait mauvais, it is simply terrible outside. While I know Spring is just around the corner, I have become to weary of looking. I must simply pull on my wool coat and refuse to plays games with it. When it is ready it will come, it will find me, I will not find it.

Flown high from the castle of my heart.

In the three years I have been at Moody my flag, the Zimbabean flag, has flown three times. Each time I have found myself spiraling down the deep, dark tunnel of missing.

My heart, I can only describe, feels suspended from my body. It does not belong to this land I now call home. I lives apart from me. Yet, I have to get it back. So daily I pull on it's strings begging it to belong to me and this land. Many-a-time it obeys. It allows me to forget and love where I am. But then suddenly, on its own accord it will disapear on me. I search for it, I look high and low. It has gone to a place i cannot go to. One i have longed to return to but never have. One that is ingrained in my memories, and past. Is it part of my future? I do not know. My heart tells me it is, that it belongs to me as I belong to it. But my life must be lived in seperation from it.

The flag is flying today. As it waves back and forth in the spring air. I allow my heart to leap 5 years into the past. I revell in past events and moments. My eyes drip here and there and I remember.

I must keep moving though, i cannot stand and stare at the flag forever. There is a life to be lived here and now. I can only hope that my heart allows me to live in two worlds; that it is gracious to me and helps me to give to both then and now. But for today, it is not so gracious i stare into my past and long for a taste of days gone by.

Life loves.

I am having a terrible tangled of a time trying to figure out what's next. So far my life has not been one smooth road. The lord has taken me on many a path that i never dreamt would come my way. I have so many passions and loves. At the moment two are very prevalent, photography and people. I am not sure what this means, or where the Lord is directing me. Some days i want to throw everything out the window and take pictures forever, then others i see the Lords hand guiding me to graduate school, to study counseling. I know in the end it will all work out, that He will lead me where i should go. But i just don't know how to figure out these loves of my life and how they fit into what i should do with my life. I'm glad He knows, even if i don't.

Soundtracks to our lives.

I was on the train the other day, listening to my new favourite movie soundtrack. This soundtrack is peaceful, quiet and sometimes slightly daunting. It helps me think and process all that is going on around me. To be honest it makes things come alive; makes things jump out at me. It may make me a little more dramatic than i usually am, and may also make me feel like i am living my own move, but i like it. It takes me at least an hour to do my regular travels on saturday, so i usually play the soundtrack twice. This time the music bothered me slightly. Often the songs don't end because they are designed for a movie. When you are watching the movie you don't notice that the songs don't end, but when you are simply listening you do. Then my mind wandered to this movie that the music comes from and i realised i don't like the ending to the movie. It is sad and depressing; not the usual happy-go-lucky ending we like.

Why is this all important. Well, as the music continued to lull me on the train, my mind continued to wander. We as humans don't like things that don't complete themselves. We like things to come full circle, a beginning and and ending. It makes us feel stable and balanced. Most of the time, we don't like movies with sad, abrupt, or even strange endings. Things must end in a somewhat level ground. Why do we do this? Our lives are never perfect, they often don't end in a complete perfect circle. Things are messy, painful, strange and unclear.

I couldn't help but think that it is because we were not originally designed for this imperfect world. Often people are annoyed at romantic comedies because they are too "perfect", yet we all long for that "perfect" life. Why? Because we were supposed to have that "perfect" life. We were meant to live in a stunning garden, eat fruit all day, love our spouses with an unconditional love and never be ashamed of our bodies. We were meant to walk in perfect union with our maker and have a relationship with Him that never fails.

One day, in heaven, we will have this perfection. I think it is natural to long for it in this world; for our songs to have a great start and a wonderful ending. We may not always get it in this life-time. But i for one, am grateful that one day my circle will come to a full complete; perfect end.

Colourful promises.

So Today i saw my first double rainbow. I must say it was somewhat of a supernatural feeling. I've seen my fair share of rainbows, but not like this, it was the kind that takes your breathe away. Where you know the God is whispering down His promises. I have been having a rough time lately, knowing i am going into another time of great transition. My thoughts have been muddled, my heart jumbled and my spirit low. Living a normal day, i happened to glance outside and see this beautiful sight. My heart lifted in an instant, knowing that the God i trust makes promises He keeps. He is constant, He is loving and He will never leave me. This i know. I was so encouraged to be reminded of this. This God i serve is one who makes covenants with His people, these oaths are stronger than anything man can imagine. Looking at that rainbow, i can only imagine what Noah felt, a promise that God would never flood the earth like that again. A promise that they were safe and protected, a promise that has lived to this day and will for an eternity longer. I am so thankful i serve a God like that!

Water drops

I haven't had much inspiration lately; so i haven't written. It's funny how life gets mundane, how the things you were once excited about become boring, how the beauty around you becomes mundane, how the blessings of life become reality and you don't notice them anymore. This morning my husband and i were up early and on our way to our internships. It's been a rainy gloomy day today, but when we arrived at the church our surroundings were stunning. I couldn't help but stand and stare. The sun was shining through the clouds just enough to light up the splendor of green earth around us. The church (where we work) is on a hill. So we were up above the little town of South Fork looking down on God's creation.

I have seen this view endless times and when i come to Colorado i am often amazed by the beauty, but it quickly becomes old news. Whenever i face a new faze of life i get all excited--or terrified--about what is to come. When i face the new "challenge" I am always amazed at God's provision, or at the blessings He has bestowed, or at the beauty of what i am engulfed in. Yet every time, just like clockwork, i get bored, or used to my predicament. I forget what is around me, even if it's punching me in the face.

I sit here with rain pouring outside my window. I stop. Pause. Breathe. That scent of freshness, of clean air. It's funny to me this thing called rain, in the city when it rains everything is crisp after. The city dirt and grim, washed away. Yet today even in rural Colorado the rain clears out the cobwebs in the air. The already pristine environment is cleansed further.The mountains are a more stunning blue, the already pure oxygen hits your lungs with an unusual oomph, the leaves on the trees are a sparkling green and they looked refreshed, they enjoyed the long drink!

I see myself as the renewed piece of Colorado. Restored, even though i thought i was already clean and pure. I had been missing all the goodness God had around me. The oxygen tastes almost sweet as i breathe it in, i stop, pause, breath. This is the life He has given me today and i will rejoice in it!

deep thinking

So i am sitting right next to my husband. I am blogging and he is doing a systematic theology paper. I have already taken three theology courses in my time at Bible College and have one more to take. I must say this before i continue to write, i am not a theologian. In fact i really struggled in those classes, it was hard for me to grasp all the theories and theologies of those that have come before me. The tests were always very painful for me, i never ever did well. That is partly my dyslexia and partly, i just didn't get it. Don't misunderstand me, i think theology is very important, especially correct theology. However, there are many things i cannot remember and could not tell you which theology is which. So it has got me thinking, what in the world are Adam and i doing to ourselves. We are both doing internships right now in a small church in Colorado and all these theologies don't really seem to have a place in our ministry right now. When you try to discuss them with the average lay person you end up sounding like a smart aleck. So where is their place? I guess personally they have helped me see God in a better light, to understand this great God just a little bit better. I will never grasp them all and will probably not use them in everyday jargon but if they have brought me even one step closer to my God, then how amazing. So my attitude has changed from one of dissatisfaction to one of understanding. I may not understand all the theologies that are out there, but i have a deeper understanding of God. For that i am thankful.